My date with Natalie

Not really.

Not really.

Today is the 11th anniversary of the most successful April Fools’ prank I ever pulled. Thought I’d document it here for posterity.

I was (really) visiting friends in Cambridge, MA, and my flight landed in Boston on the evening of March 31st, 2004. The next morning, early on April 1, I sent the following email to all my friends back in Austin:

Howdy folks,

Landed in Boston alright – it is miserable crappy weather here, which will make me oh-so-happy to return to Austin in a few days.  Otherwise we’re having fun making crepes at the moment, headed to the aquarium later today.

But first!  Got to tell you about my celebrity encounter.

So I get on the subway at the airport yesterday afternoon, headed into downtown Boston, and this cutie sits down next to me.  I’m nose-deep in “The Unbearable Lightness of Being” (thanks Sonali) so I don’t pay too much attention til she looks over and tells me she likes the book.  I start flirt–uh, “chatting” with her about the book, and suddenly I realize I’m talking to

NATALIE

FUCKING

PORTMAN!

Being the smooth operator that I am, I immediately began sweating and jumbling my words.  Didn’t want to shift the conversation straight from love-and-philosophy to wow-you-were-in-Star-Wars, but I managed to acquit myself quite well.  We continued yakking all the way from the blue line to the green line to the red line (these are subways, people)   Finally I got off at the MIT stop, and in the most bad-ass moment of my life, asked if she wanted to get a beer later.  “Gimme a call, I think tomorrow might be better,” she said.  And Natalie Portman gave me Natalie Portman’s Phone Number!!  JEEEEEEEEESUS!

So later today I’ll be placing a call to what I HOPE is Natalie Portman’s phone, and we will see if this all comes down.  Whether it does or not it was quite an encounter.  I’ll let you all know if I get the hookup with Queen Amidala.  More later–

-K

Absolutely EVERYBODY fell for it. (To put it in context, Natalie Portman actually was a student at Harvard at the time.) I got back responses like, “Good luck man, I’ve got my whole office rooting for you.” Over the course of the day, a few people sent follow-up messages after suspecting a rat, but many others were waiting with bated breath to hear how it went.

On the morning of April 2nd, I sent the follow-up:

Hey all,

So I finally plucked up the courage and gave old Natalie a call, and I met her at this Au Bon Pair café near Harvard Square.  We still got along just fine; she got the roast beef, I got the chicken.  Turns out she does improv, how wacky is that?  Not too impressed by my Lego habit, though.  Oh well.

Then Miss Natalie asks if I’ve ever seen the whales in Boston Harbor.  I’m like “uhh, no, and I’m not likely to in this weather.”  She smiled at me.  “You scared of a little rain, Texas boy?”  “Depends on the company, I suppose,” I fired back.  And suddenly she had flagged down a cab and ordered it to the pier.

Bear in mind, it’s like 8:00 at night by this point.

The cab arrives on the shoreline, and this young tart leads me through a couple of gates, past a security guard, and out to her family’s yacht!  The thing is like a 40-footer, called the Queen Amidala.  I guess it pays to have a movie star in the family.  She’s got me untying lines around the ship while she fires up the motor, and before I know it we’re piloting out of the harbor in the 40-degree, rainy darkness.  I couldn’t figure out if it was really romantic or really weird.  Maybe both.

We get to the point that we have a full view of the Boston skyline, which is really pretty through all the haze.  Like I said, it’s utterly frigid, so Natalie wraps my arms around her.  It was real nice; I had gotten over the whole my-God-you’re-a-movie-star thing, and we were just two kids having some fun.  I’m just thinking about kissing her when she says “I’m real glad you could make it out here, Kevin.”

“Well, you sort of dragged me out here,” I remind her.

“That’s not what I mean,” she said, and turned to me.  “I’ve been waiting for you for a long time.”

Is this about to get a little too romantic?  Am I going to have to tell NATALIE PORTMAN that “she’s a real sweet girl but”?  I try to keep it playful.  “Oh have you?”

“Yes,” she answers, and takes a step back.  “We all have.”

It’s then that I realize the sky has cleared overhead.  Stars are peeking down at us.  It looks like they’re spinning; then suddenly I realize that the BOAT is spinning!

Natalie looks at me, and fire leaps up in her eyes.  “You thought you could escape, Agent Ploo, but we found you.  Now you are going to pay for all the Flimopps you killed on the moons of Tauridius III.”

I look around, panicked.  Another Natalie Portman climbs over the side of the boat.  Then another.  Then another.  I’m surrounded by Queen Amidalas.  It’s a little disconcerting.

“Time to die, Agent Ploo,” says the original Natalie, and she raises her hand; before my eyes it changes to a Flauvian Phase-Matter Generator.

That’s when my survival instincts kicked in.

With a single kung-fu move, I spun one of the Natalies in front of me and she caught most of the Phase-Matter.  With my other hand I reached for my Hyper-Pulse Rifle and levelled two others.  Three more Natalies tackled me from behind, but I was ready for that; I dispatched two by knocking their heads togather, and threw the third overboard.

That left me with the main Natalie, the one who ordered the roast beef.  She was growing tentacles as I watched, and her voice suddenly dropped several octaves.

“Most impressive, Agent Ploo,” she said, rearing high above me.  “I suppose you think a mere blast from a Hyper-Pulse Rifle is enough to kill me?  Ha!  I eat Hyper-Pulses for breakfast!”

She reached for me with one of her tentacles.  I pulled out a lighter and a can of hair spray.

“Eat this, bitch.”

FOOOOOOOM!  The Natalie queen lit up like a Malatov cocktail.  She flailed around the deck of the ship, and with an expert kick I sent her off the bow.  She got sucked under, and the propellers spewed out nothing but red seawater.

So I was kind of stuck at that point, cause hell if I know how to drive a damn yacht.  Fortunately a Coast Guard ship was just scooting by to see what all the fuss was about, and they gave me a lift back to the shoreline.  I shared the whole story with Wilbur, a bright young Coast Guard coxswain.

“I guess going out with a movie star ain’t all it’s cracked up to be, huh, Ploo?”

I laughed good-naturedly.  “Call me Kevin.  And it’s not so bad, Wilbur; Natalie was a good kid.  She was just born on the wrong side of the asteroid belt.”

“Yeah.”

The ship cruised back to the safety of Boston Harbor.

My second-favorite response came from Ryan, who said:

You had me up to “yacht,” at which point I said “fuck you” about ten times.

My first-favorite response came from Sonali:

Hahaha, you really got me. Can’t wait to hear how it really turned out!!

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17 courthouses and a couple of babies

(This is a blogpost about my courthouse trip. Here are the pictures of the courthouses themselves.)

 

The first leg of my roundabout trip to Nashville had one interesting aspect that I forgot to mention in the previous blogpost: I shunpiked. This is a word I just learned, but it’s perfect. In the hopes of a more interesting drive, I deliberately skipped the direct route (in my case, Highway 290) and for long stretches used its predecessor, Highway 20.

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Shunpiking is a fun way to travel an otherwise boring route if you’re not in a hurry and your car’s suspension is in working order. The latter becomes evident almost immediately as you bounce like a moon buggy along a neglected two-lane road, some of it dirt or gravel, the modern highway often visible only a couple of hundred yards away.

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Trees hug the sides of the road (some of them surprisingly colorful; take that, upstate New York). Buzzards the size of Cessnas occasionally swoop past. Importantly, the old highways actually travel through the towns that the new ones were designed to bypass. The forgotten downtowns typically include a half-dozen historic brick buildings, one or two of which have been turned into antiques shops, either or both of which has itself gone out of business. And the rest is left to decay. It’s either exhilarating or depressing, or both. Continue reading

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Lots of courthouses, is what I’m saying.

I’ve got an interesting Thanksgiving week ahead. Goes a little something like this.

1. Driving to my mom’s in Nashville, and visiting my aunt and uncle west of Houston en route. If that sounds circuitous, it is: I’m taking a deliberately-roundabout route to get there so I can knock off 17 Texas county courthouses on the way. To wit:

Screen Shot 2014-11-25 at 11.01.25 AM

 

2. Spending three days in Nashville. My mom and her wife always have a Big Gay Thanksgiving for a bunch of their friends, so I’m looking forward to some fabulous turkey.

3. Driving back from Nashville to Dallas on Sunday night. Spending the night with my high-school buddy Mike and his family. Knocking out five more courthouses en route:

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4. Waking up early Monday morning—when I should be back at work—and driving back east, to Texarkana, to give the deposition for my upcoming lawsuit. (Going to court! It’s ironic! In the Alanis Morrisette sense.) Yes this back-and-forth is a titanic waste of gas, but I get to see Mike and family, and it’s preferable to leaving Nashville at 4 in the morning. Plus, hey, more courthouses!Screen Shot 2014-11-25 at 11.15.42 AM5. Finally, some time Monday afternoon, heading back to Austin. And yes, hitting as many courthouses as I can on the way back before the sun goes down—hopefully the ones in Daingerfield, Pittsburg, and (appropriately enough) Quitman.

There’s the plan. I’m leaving momentarily. Wish me and my car luck.

 

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Review: Pley, the Netflix for Lego

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I am Will Ferrell’s character in The Lego Movie.

I’m not proud of it, but it’s nothing new—even as a child, to the frustration of my mother, I used my Lego sets as model kits to be assembled, not tools for pure creativity. Today I’m a true aficionado of Legos* and although I constantly marvel at the creative output by Lego fans around the world, my own collection sits largely unused, carefully sorted into an enormous card catalog. Others might find all of this rather surprising, given my unconditional love for the little bricks.

Pictured: Me

Pictured: Me

All this is to say that I might be the perfect customer for Pley, the Netflix for Lego sets.** Pley’s business model is straight-forward: pay a monthly fee and they send you one Lego set at a time. Build it, play with it, keep it as long as you like, mail it back, and they send you another one from your queue.

Certain potential customers might immediately disagree with the entire premise. Who would want to acquire a Lego set without actually owning it? Who’d pay money to a company just for renting toys?

Well, me, for one. I enjoy the simple act of starting with a big pile of Legos and ending with a spaceship (or truck or whatever, but come on, you know I mostly want spaceships). I think Lego designers are enormously talented and produce some really innovative designs that are a joy to construct and then swoosh around the room (SPACESHIPS!). Most crucially, I have more than enough Legos to my name, and no space or desire to add more. But being able to build, appreciate, and return sets? Fantastic.

Bam!

Bam!

So a few months ago, mere hours after learning of Pley’s existence, I forked over the cash for my first month. Pley offers three membership tiers: Fan ($15/month), Super Fan ($25), and Mega Fan ($39). The sets available at each price level would normally retail for $10-15, $20-30, and $50-500, respectively. It’ll surprise nobody that, once I was assured that this wasn’t an elaborate scam, I quickly upgraded to Mega Fan.

First step was to select Lego sets for my queue (called the “Pleylist”). Pley offers almost 200 sets as of this writing, divided across the three tiers. (If you’re a mere Super Fan then you can’t select the Mega Fan-level sets, though you can add sets from a lower tier.) Pley is rather insistent about keeping “at least ten sets” in your Pleylist at all times, for reasons that’ll become clear shortly.

Sets arrive in a bright red envelope or box, with the set’s pieces zipped into a reusable mesh bag inside, along with the instruction book and a return label. (More than one delivery guy, upon hearing the rattle inside the box, thought I’d ordered something that was now terribly broken.) Pley encourages you to keep and play with the set as long as you like before returning it for another. There’s no charge or penalty for missing pieces upon return, which is obviously a relief, but might also be a bit of a liability (see below).

The bricks and instructions are almost always in good shape. Pley claims that they clean and sanitize the bricks between renters, which is comforting when you imagine some anonymous fellow member prying bricks apart with his teeth. I’m not sure the cleaning happens every time, though, since sets sometimes aren’t fully disassembled. More than once I’ve found a still-assembled cluster of Legos in my bag, then faced the odd moral conundrum of whether I should take them apart so as not to deprive myself of building the entire model.

Photo 9

Pictured: my version of the Trolley Problem.

Sadly it’s in putting the models together, Pley’s raison d’etre, that I found the single most irritating aspect of the whole experience: missing pieces. Lego is famously fastidious in its quality control, and missing pieces in sets are extremely rare. Scouring my brain, I can remember missing a piece out of the box exactly once in my decades of Lego purchases. That’s a fantastic track record.

Not so with Pley sets. In five of the six sets I’ve received, at least one piece has been missing (usually either one or two). Early in my membership they would include a small bag of 10-20 “frequently missing” pieces, but alas, the grab bag never matched up with what I needed. Pley also has a useful webpage for you to select and order Legos from the inventory of what came with the set. But then the site displays an icky warning that it’ll be a long while before the missing pieces arrive in the mail, and politely suggests that you might simply return it or play with it as-is.

I took their advice, and substituted the missing parts from my own carefully-sorted collection. It seemed to be the rules of the game, so to speak. The worst offender, however, was a tow truck set that lacked over 50 of its 800 pieces, including two of the large wheels, which left the completed truck looking in need of a tow itself. Given this, the overall build experience was frustrating, even more so than you’d think. Any experienced Lego fan knows well the momentary panic of thinking that a crucial Lego is missing, and then the relief in finding it hidden under another piece. With Pley sets, the stress is real, and often repeated. It’s advisable to have a personal Lego collection to supplement missing parts as I did. But then you need to keep track of what you’ve donated. Again, it’s more of a hassle than it seems.

It’s hard to know how Pley can correct this problem permanently. Since Legos can weigh as little as a tenth of a gram, they’d need very careful measurements of their sets upon arrival to even detect a problem, and then they’d have to inventory the entire set to find out what’s missing. So the obvious response—charging or penalizing customers for not returning the full set—can’t possibly be made cost-effective. Still, though, I’d think they could have at least realized that my tow-truck set was 10% light before shipping it out. Even more obviously, they could allow you to report missing pieces without requesting that they be sent, for the benefit of the next member. (Pley states that they’re planning this feature.) UPDATE: As a part of the ongoing website/branding relaunch, Pley just introduced Pley Detective, which lets you do exactly that.

After enjoying and displaying my sets for a few days, I tear them back down (almost as much fun, for some reason), drop them back in the bag, and mail the set away. Then comes my second-least-favorite part of the process: the unpredictable wait for the next set. The shipping itself can be slow, sometimes painfully so (a good transaction might take a week from shipping one set to receiving the next). And Pley is completely unpredictable as to which set from the Pleylist they’ll be sending you. Though you can sort your list by preference, I’ve received sets that were as far down as 10th on my list—the nicer sets are in high demand and low supply, it seems. Those at the very top of my list, like the $400 Death Star, seem frustratingly hard to get.

DEPRESSING UPDATE: I mailed off a set the day after posting this review, and was informed via email two days later that the new set being sent to me is the 17th on my Pleylist.  …Out of 17 sets. Dead last. Adding insult to injury, this set is at the Super Fan level, meaning that for the current rental at least, my $39/month is paying for something I could have gotten at the $25 level. Discouraging, to say the least.

Update 2, just for my own record keeping: the next set was the UN Building, 9th out of 16 sets. It was a Mega Fan set, at least. New policy for my Pleylist: no more “nice to have” sets, only ones I’m actually excited to receive. It’ll be interesting to see if the list gets pared down to its bare bones as sets are sent to me faster than I add new ones. I’m also curious whether I’d have better results if my list *only* consisted of the hard-to-get sets, but I suppose I’ll soon find out.

Update 3, since this post is still getting some attention: My queue basically went out with a whimper. I stood my ground, and eventually I had about 10 Mega Fan sets on it, none of which were being shipped to me. After a month of waiting, I cancelled my membership. And that was that.

*sniff*

*sniff*

Investment in their inventory would surely help. 190 sets in their current catalog sure seems like a lot, but I really only had 20 or 25 that were of interest to me. On a related note, I receive no notification when new sets are added to their collection, and there’s no way in the current website to sort by “recently added,” making the search for new sets feel like rummaging through a used-DVD bin.

These all might be growing pains. Pley is an interesting business concept and it’s certainly in its “plucky young startup” phase, down to finalizing its name and branding. And it certainly picked the right year to open up shop. As linked previously, they’ve got a page up at http://pleygo.uservoice.com where users can submit suggestions. They’re also running miscellaneous giveaways and other contests, and inevitably heading toward social media by inviting you to upload a gallery of your creations.

So I’m sticking with them to see how well these wrinkles get ironed out, and what else they have planned. Even with flaws included, they still solve a very particular problem for me, which is the highest compliment I can give any product or service. I hope they stick around for a long while.

Update 3: Alas, I reached the end of the line. As mentioned above, I began deliberately allowing my Pleylist to shrink, so that it only consisted of top-tier sets that I genuinely wanted. What followed was two long months of nothing. Not a single set shipped to me. I was reminded multiple times that Pley recommends more sets on one’s list, but for $39 per month, I shouldn’t have to add mid-level sets just for the pleasure of receiving them. Thus ends my experiment, in frustrating fashion, since I really rooted for Pley to succeed. But their time simply ran out.

*Yes I call them Legos, just like every other red-blooded American. I say “y’all” too.

**They were called Pleygo until halfway through writing this review, when they relaunched with what seems to be a much-improved website. One imagines they’re not only steering clear of Lego lawyers, but positioning themselves to offer other types of toys in the future. Either way, I like the change.

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Best pics from Road Trip 2011

…are here: http://www.flickr.com/photos/happywaffle/sets/72157628089122919/

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Day 18: I’m pretty sure there were only 17 days in this trip.

(Author’s Note: I got back to civilization, and civilization quickly conspired to keep me from finishing up the trip blog. Fortunately only one blogpost, this one, went unpublished. Here it is! Road trip postscript!)

In my book, only rednecks and UFO abductees are supposed to wake up in cornfields outside Emporia, Kansas. But there I was. I had done that thing where I, ya know, don’t brush my teeth the night before. Between the latte, the bacon burger, the truffle fries, the Guinness, and the gummi bears from the night before, my mouth tasted like death in a bad mood.

After remedying that situation, I headed back south on I-35, realizing glumly that this would be my entire road home. (Part of the appeal of taking 183 the whole way down was bypassing I-35 completely.) Before long I was in Wichita, and retracing the route that I’d taken north to get into the wilderness. Continue reading

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Day 17: Life After People

I guess Omaha rush hour starts at 5 AM. At 5:30 I was grumpily awakened by the highway traffic zipping by my window. As usual, the sunrise—this time behind angry storm clouds—was phenomenal. It’s almost enough to make me want to see the sunrise every morning. I said almost!

I drove south into Omaha and cut over to I-29, which would take me down to the Kansas City area, from which I would turn east towards Pattonsburg.

OR, SO, I, THOUGHT.

South of town were signs that I-29 South was closed ahead. Okay, guess there’s a detour. I took the exit where indicated, left I-29 behind, and in the drizzling rain proceeded east along with the rest of the traffic.

THIS was the detour.

It was the mother of all detours. I drove so far into the butt end of Iowa that I started looking for Shoeless Joe Jackson. At one point I had the insight to ask my anthropomorphized iPhone to recalculate directions. It blinked and said “You’re WHERE? …Uh, yeah, don’t even bother with the Interstate at this point, dude. Country roads the whole way down from here.”

It was an opportunity to see more of the backwoods Midwest, for sure. I passed through one tiny town after another, rain coming and going the whole way. About 9 AM I was driving at high speed past the town of Villisca, when…

I slammed on the brakes. Continue reading

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Day 16: A slight change of plans

Uh… okay.

I’d driven the windy road from Wall to the Badlands campground in absolute darkness the previous night, with no idea what was around me. Turns out, a lot.

View from the campground

I leisurely (leisurelily?) backtracked through the park as the rising sun colored the landscape a beautiful orange. There were almost a dozen scenic turnouts, giving different perspectives on the alien landscape.

And now in THREEEE-DEEEEE!

Continue reading

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Day 15 1/2: There’s also free ice water.

It’s difficult to describe (or ya know, understand) the appeal of Wall Drug in Wall, SD. It’s like the Paris Hilton of drug stores: famous mostly because it’s famous, and because it LOVES LOVES LOVES promoting itself. As I drove into the town of Wall from the south—not even along the Interstate, mind you—there were SEVEN different billboards for it within a quarter-mile on both sides of the road.

The business occupies an entire square city block, and not a small one. There’s every possible item of kitschery for sale, and a few impossible ones.

There’s a long, long wall of magazine clippings that mention Wall Drug. At one end of the row, animatronic raccoons in pith helmets sing songs while kids pan for gold. At the other end, a giant animatronic T. Rex springs to life every 12 minutes and tries to eat you.

Continue reading

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Day 15: I bet Custer was a Democrat.

“This monument has never accepted any government funding, and it never will,” says the woman on the screen. “He [the sculptor, Korczak Ziolkowski] believed in individual initiative and private enterprise,” she lectures. “He didn’t believe in waiting for a handout”—here she pointedly extends her palm—”from the government.”

And I thought I was here to learn about a statue.

But then the Crazy Horse Memorial, a dozen miles away from Mount Rushmore in the Black Hills, is kind of nutty in general. They’ve been blasting at the side of a mountain here since 1948. To call it the largest statue in the world doesn’t really get the point across. It’s going to be 563 feet high and 641 feet long, big enough that all of Mount Rushmore could fit inside Crazy Horse’s head. The horse’s head is 22 stories tall. The gap under Crazy Horse’s arm will hold a 10-story building. And so on.

Then there’s the Fox News angle that the introductory video took. Continue reading

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